Mutiny (2026)

Mutiny is Under Siege with somehow more boring, worse writing, and it’s uglier to look at.

I don’t put on a Jason Statham movie for the writing, though. I’ve followed his entire career (but mostly the fictional careers he has in every single movie: beekeeper, courier, hitman, armored truck guard, construction foreman, deep-sea rescue diver who fights a shark).

In Mutiny he’s head of security for a Bangkok shipping billionaire, which might be the most boring job on the résumé. The billionaire gets murdered (a billionaire???? who the fuck cares?!?!?!), Statham gets framed, and he boards a cargo ship using a dead assassin’s identity.

For an action movie, this simply has too much talking. Most of it goes to the conspiracy: who wants to buy the shipping company, what the billionaire’s son knew, who on the ship takes orders from whom. I put on a Statham boat movie and spent most of it hearing about a corporate takeover.

When I turn one of these on, I really expect a few more poorly choreographed fight scenes starring bald stuntmen filmed from behind. Mutiny didn’t even really deliver on that.

I have to say, though, Jason Statham does have more rizz than Steven Seagal. He’s the only thing on that ship I wanted to look at.

Head of security goes near the bottom of the Statham résumé. Beekeeper is still on top.

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